It's 5:00...A.M.

There's a cat sitting on the arm of my chair, begging for attention.

My son's curled up in his bed, sleeping.

A storm is grumbling outside and raining on my herbs (YAY!).

I've revised another 6 pages of my novel.

And now, with only a half-hour until I need to get up, I want to go back to bed.

Don't you hate when that happens??

I blame it on the fact that I have been stuck in the house for days on end, the storm outside, the cat that won't leave me alone.

The real reason I'm up and still tired?  I'm restless.

I have very little going on in my life that constitutes as mental stimulation.  Editing is simple to me, like a game of hide-and-seek where everyone jumps up and screams, "Here I am!"  I'm not inspired enough to write something new.  I grab at new songs I hear on the radio and memorize the lyrics in hope that they'll help pull me out of this funk.  I look at my wish list and realize that having no money means I can't do most of the things on that list.

Damn.  I hate depression.

Okay, so.  Best way to counter-think depression is to focus on what I have, not what I don't.  So...what do I have that I'm truly grateful for?

• The unconditional love of my Savior, my mother, and my son.
• The unending loyalty of my family--those who are family by blood, and family through faith
• The doctors who are helping my son with his hearing and speech difficulties
• Music--good God, how I love music
• Chores--hey, don't roll your eyes.  They give me a sense of purpose.

Alright.  That helped a little.  I have a busy day ahead, and that will help too.  The less time I have to sit around and ponder, the better.

Dreams

I know I'm not the only one in this world who believes that dreams are indicators of things going on your life/mind that you need to process and/or deal with.

Being a believer that dreams have significance, and a believer in God as the only true Ruler of this world.  So how do I deal with things like my recurring dream, where I live on a ranch, I'm married to a man who adores me as much as I love him, and my son is off playing with a few of his friends in the massive front yard?  Or the fact that I can see, hear, smell these people I'm with as though I've met them before?

I've had this dream, in different intensities and at different times of my life, for years.  Some people have dreams about dying or winning the lottery.  I have dreams about a rancher with dirt under his fingernails and a home full of light and love.

OK, so it's not hard to figure out what the dream means.  But why does it come when I think everything's ok in my life?  And why is it always the same people?  And...

Why can't I have my dream?

Shepherd's POV

I have recently finished rereading one of my all-time favorite books, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by W. Phillip Keller.  What a journey!

Keller, as a younger man, was an honest-to-goodness shepherd in east Africa.  He worked the land to prepare for his flock, toiled to earn the money to buy his flock, and takes the reader into that world of a selfless, unflinching man who was willing to not only die for his sheep, but live every moment for them.  He would have to keep the most careful eye out; a lost or hurt sheep could die within minutes.

Sheep are stupid.  There's no nice word for them.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  One ewe Keller talks about was constantly wiggling under his fence to go to another pasture.  In Sheep World, that's a big no-no.  Even worse, she taught her lambs how to do it.  She could have led her own babies to their death, and wouldn't have batted an eye.  Another sheep might be reaching for a blade of grass and fall off a cliff in its quest.  Still another might bash its brother's head in while competing for a female, and kill both rams.

Idiots.

But...aren't I the same?

The title of the book reminds me that this isn't about a shepherd's woe-is-me-isms.  This is to enlighten those of us who don't live in shepherding country about the different aspects of a shepherd--and a sheep's--life.  David, when he wrote this psalm, wrote in terms the people understood then.  They knew the dangers of being in the hills alone with the herd and facing down a ravenous bear with nothing more than a staff and a stick.  They knew how the shepherd had to always be ready to cradle a lamb or force apart two stubborn males.

And David himself tells us in the first verse, "The Lord is my shepherd."  He puts himself in the place of the sheep.  There is a Shepherd greater than he.  And David is proud to be a sheep under his care!

I could go on for hours about everything Keller discussed.  Suffice it to say, I started this book feeling more than a little lost.  And now, I know how weak, foolish, and helpless I am.  And I'm so very very glad that my Shepherd is as good as David wrote.

Trying something new

A new way to make cinnamon toast.

Focusing intently on the positives and blessings.

Taking my own advice and getting stuff done NOW.

Dear heavens, what's happening to me?

I'm getting my work done, and finding extreme contentment in it.  My son is going into his terrible two's, and I'm so happy that he's growing and learning.  I'm writing and working on the stories that live in my head.  I'm teaching and ecstatic about going to work.

Heck, I barely slept last night since my son was up with a horrible cold most of the night.  And I'm ok with that....after all, I made cinnamon toast in a new way and it was FABULOUS!

Characters

My closest friends.  Guardian angels.  Personal demons.

Yeah, characters can wreak havoc.

Disclaimer: I'm not schizophrenic.  I understand 100% that the characters are fictional.

I think.  I'm pretty sure.

Anyway...

Characters come to writers in different ways.  My friend, Evie O Aldan, generally comes up with characters by looking at pictures and people-watching.  Most of my characters come from song lyrics or asking "what if" a lot.

Let me introduce you to Tristan.  He's a character I'm currently working with, and he's up for an interview of sorts.

Before I begin talking with him, let me explain what's going on in my head.  I picture a room, something like the set of a talk show, minus the audience.  I can see different views of Tristan: close up, sitting across from him, even from behind.  We are sitting in director's chairs and we simply talk.  When I first meet a new character, it's a lot less formal.  But tonight I want information on a specific scene I'm thinking of writing.  So sit back, enjoy, and please don't call the Funny Farm.  They're sick of hearing from me.

Hi, Tristan.


Good evening, my lady.  You've been agitated for hours.  How can I help?


I want to finish a scene I started weeks ago.  If you recall a time that Mia, your student, arrived for a 4:30 AM lesson...


*chuckling* Ah yes.  That lesson was most memorable.


I got as far as Mia choking because you walked out with your shirt open and wearing black dress pants. What happened after that?


*grin* What do you think?


I know you didn't take her back to your bed.  I know there was a lesson that left Mia wondering at your sanity and hers.


What else do you need to know?


I need to know what you taught her!


*sigh*  I taught her the rudimentary skills of flirting.  


....Ah.  No wonder she's all flustered.


Radiant.


Humiliated.


Merely a difference of opinion.  And since I am her instructor, mine is the opinion that carries the day.


I'm writing your story.  Bow before me.


Or I could send Edmund to distract you.


I'll take that.  Good night.


Sleep well, sweet lady.

Lists

I'm a list lover.

I love making them.

I love crossing things off of them.

It puts me in a Zen like state.

Oh, I wish I could be that skinny...I mean, relaxed.

So I make lists, and my head feels clearer.  Here's my list of lists:

• What I'm proud to have accomplished
• What I can control in my life
• People who unconditionally love me
• People who conditionally love me
• Traits I like about myself
• Traits I like in my friends
• Positive traits I look for in a husband
• Traits I can deal with in a husband
• RED FLAGS
• Ideas for writing
• Ideas for teaching
• Ideas for when my son is older
• Things I'd like to buy
• Things I need to buy

And my eyelids are falling.  Guess it's time for bed.  Night all.

Pretty things

Warning: this post is total fluff.  If you'd like something meaningful and life-changing, look elsewhere for now.

On one of my favorite blogs, "The Pioneer Woman," the blogger has asked for a submission of photos that show beauty.  So I started looking for my own collection of pretty things.

I'm a sucker for anything Celtic or Irish.  Must be my bloodlines calling to me.

Yup, I'm female.  If it sparkles, I can help but stare.

Any mother protecting her baby touches my heart.

Don't even pretend this doesn't take your breath away.

Yeah...Ahem...gotta love that smile.  *puddle*

Oh help.

OK, it's time for me to pretend to be productive today.  I'll try to be inspirational or something tomorrow.